The Beautiful and Damaged Mind of Jillian Holtzmann
by DARWIN51
Summary: During a drunk night on the rooftop, Holtz reveals something to the others that sends her into a tailspin. On top of that, Erin finds out that Holtzmann likes her and confronts feelings she's never had before. The team has to call Dr. Gorin just to get a depressed Jillian out of bed, but they end up learning the real reason she wasn't getting up.


Erin checked her pulse rate with two fingers as she climbed the stairwell of the fire station, completing her morning workout. She made a mental note to look into getting one of those FitBits Holtzy had. She started prepping a coffee pot on the second floor kitchen counter and swung the refrigerator door open, bending down to reach the milk.

Her earbud was yanked from her ear by the wire, and she spun around quickly to see Abby standing right behind her.

"Ow!" Erin cupped her ear with her hand. "What the hell?"

"What? I need to ask you something."

"Why couldn't you just say so?" Erin snatched the wire back, removing the other earbud.

"What, talk to you while you're listening to music?"

"It's not music."

"Sorry, Ted Talks, Miss Smarty-Pants over here—"

Erin held up the end of the wire. "It's not connected to anything. It's just so people won't bother me while I'm running."

"Oh."

Erin looked back across the room. Abby had already started working for the day, and Patty was sitting in a booth reading the newspaper. Holtzmann was probably still sleeping in, as usual.

Erin shut the refrigerator and started the coffee. She pulled the rest of the wire out of her shirt and tossed it onto the kitchenette table. "What do you need to ask?"

"I made toast. Do you want some?"

"Jesus, Abby. That's it? That's what you had to ask?"

Abby put her hands up in defense. "So-rry." She mumbled, taking her plate of toast back to her worktable.

Erin set a few cups out and went to gather her things to hit the showers. She grabbed a piece of toast off Abby's desk as she walked by.

"Oh, Erin! One other thing I wanted to talk to you about." She said.

"Yeah?" Erin stopped.

"Um… Holtzmann." Abby started.

"Yes?"

"You know… she likes you, right?"

The question caught Erin completely off-guard. "The… what?"

"Like, she like-likes you."

"I…" Erin wasn't sure how to respond to that. "I didn't know she was… into girls."

"Oh come on, babygirl." Patty called from the booth. "Even I knew that."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Abby shrugged. "Thought you would want to know. I thought you two might hit it off."

"Abby, I'm straight, you know that."

Abby held her arms up in defense again. "I don't know; you could like girls too."

Erin hesitated. She had never really thought about it. "I don't." She said. "Is Holtzmann… okay with that? This isn't going to complicate anything, is it?"

"No, I'll let her know you're not interested, and she'll get over it, and she'll find someone else. I just wanna make sure. That's your final answer. Is you're not interested."

"Right." Erin said.

"Okay." Abby sounded skeptical.

Erin hesitantly walked back to the showers, glancing back once to find Abby and Patty both watching her.

~/~

"Alright kids," Patty declared, raising her beer to the night sky. "To busting."

"To busting!" Erin and Abby agreed, and all four girls clinked their bottles together and started drinking, looking out at the city lights from the rooftop of the new fire station.

"Um, to Holtzmann, for fixing the kickback on the proton shotgun." Erin said. "Thanks for not sending me into a wall this time."

Holtzmann gave a curt nod, staring at the city lights, unblinking.

"My turn," Abby said, adjusting her camping chair, before sitting back. "To Erin's _badass_ moves today at the warehouse! Man, what a day."

"Yeah, what was that, girl?!" Patty laughed.

"An accident." Erin replied, taking another sip.

Patty laughed harder. "You were doing somersaults! That was an accident?"

"I can't do somersaults. Not like that anyway."

"Holtz—" Abby glanced at her friend to hear her toast, but noticed Holtzmann had her bottle tilted skyward. "Holtzmann, slow down!" Abby quickly lowered the bottle from Holtzmann's hands. "Oh my god, is that your second one?"

Holtz just looked at her.

"Seriously?" Erin asked.

"We've been up here for five minutes! You're such a lightweight to begin with, you probably don't even need more than one!"

"Holtzy sorry." She muttered, eliciting a chuckle from Abby.

"You have a toast?"

"To… fluorescent lightbulbs. The curly ones." Holtz made up, looking at the lights from the city.

"I'll drink to that." Patty said. "If all lightbulbs still got super hot, Holtzy woulda set quite a bit more things on fire by now."

"I once started a fire from a hot lightbulb." Erin mused.

"Aw, you start fires too!?" Patty cried.

"It was an accident!"

"Do you do _anything_ on purpose?"

"Nothing right, apparently." Erin muttered. She glanced over at Holtzmann on the other end of their line of chairs, still not participating in the conversation. Holtz had the bottle to her lips, looking across the city, seemingly frozen.

Erin remembered what Abby had told her this morning, about how Holtzmann liked her. And Abby had probably told Holtz sometime today that she didn't like her back. Erin felt awful. "Hey Abby, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah what's up?"

"Um, inside? Really quick?"

"Do I have to get up?" Abby groaned.

"…Yeah."

Abby heard the urgency in her friend's voice, so she got up and followed Erin to the metal roof door and into the stairwell.

Erin shut the door behind Abby. "What did you say to her?"

"Who?"

"Holtzmann!"

"What do you mean?"

"About what you told me this morning?"

"Oh, I told her you're not interested."

"Did she… take it okay?"

"Yeah, I mean, she was pretty disappointed. Why?"

"You haven't noticed that she seems… upset?" Erin asked, concerned.

"I don't know, Erin. She just gets quiet sometimes. That's just how she is."

Out on the roof, Patty and Holtzmann stared at each other awkwardly as Abby and Erin's entire conversation was broadcast through an echoing metal vent.

About a minute later, Abby and Erin exited back onto the roof and took their seats. Patty decided not to tell them that no part of their conversation was private.

The four of them sat for a minute, listening to an airplane somewhere above, a siren somewhere below, and squinting at the sky in hopes of seeing a star. The air was just cool enough to need a sweater, but not cold enough to drive them off the roof.

"Hey! Are you serious!?"

Erin and Patty glanced over at Abby, who had snatched an unopened beer out of Holtzmann's hands.

"Is this your third or fourth? Holtzmann, it's been ten minutes, are you trying to get sick?"

Holtzmann just looked at Abby, the lights from the city reflecting off her eyes. She didn't need her glasses in the darkness. She reached for the bottle again.

Abby pulled it away. "Holtzy, is there something wrong?" She asked gently.

Holtz hesitated, then nodded.

Abby considered what Erin had just told her. "Does it… does it have to do with one of us?"

Holtz's eyes flickered to Erin. She shook her head.

"Are you sure?"

"My mom died. Today." Holtz's voice was soft, and it cracked a little since she hadn't spoken in a while. Her expression didn't change.

"Holtzy… oh god." Abby said, scared because she still wasn't able to read her friend's expression.

"You mean like, the anniversary?" Erin assumed.

"Like, today. 2018. This morning."

"Oh Holtzy, for real?" Patty asked gently.

"I wouldn't lie." Holtz replied.

"Oh my god… why didn't you tell us?" Abby asked.

"Are you okay?" Erin asked.

Holtz was silent for a moment, then she finally broke eye contact and held out her open palm to Abby expectantly. Abby gave in and set the bottle in Holtz's hand, and the other three girls watched Holtz twist the cap off and pour the liquid down her throat. They couldn't tell if her eyes were watery or if it was just the lights.

Erin leaned forward in her chair, looking down the row at Holtzmann, her heart aching. "What happened?" She asked softly.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Holtz swallowed around her words.

Erin drew in a breath, "Talking might help—"

"Shut up." Holtz bit the rim of the bottle, instantly angry with herself for saying that to Erin. She drew the bottle away from her mouth and bit her lip to keep from crying with frustration, afraid the others might think the tears were about her mother. To distract herself, she tipped the bottle to the sky again.

The other three exchanged worried glances.

Holtz brought the bottle back to her lap and fought the urge to gag. "Can we talk about something else?"

Patty seemed to be on the same wavelength, and she quickly changed the subject for her while the other two continued to watch Holtzmann. They caught on and joined Patty in talking about some weird seafood she had the other day. Holtzmann remained quiet.

Within fifteen minutes, Holtz was hunched over, gripping her calves and swallowing quickly.

"You gonna hurl?" Abby asked knowingly.

Holtz sucked in a breath and nodded. Fighting down bile, she stood quickly and ran back inside and down the stairs.

Abby gathered Holtzy's empty bottles and put them back in the carton. She packed up her camping chair, too. "Well, I don't think she's coming back out tonight."

"Should someone go make sure she's okay?" Erin bit her fingernail.

"You called it. I can't deal with other people puking." Abby replied.

"Are you sure she wasn't just making an excuse to be alone for a minute?" Patty asked.

"Um, no." Abby said. "She was definitely about to toss her cookies. Didn't I tell you she's a lightweight?"

Erin bit her lip and glanced back at the roof access door. For a second she pictured Holtzmann falling down the stairs drunk, and her family having to deal with two deaths in one day. "I'm gonna go check on her. I can handle vomit."

~/~

After searching the third floor bathroom and becoming worried, Erin was relieved to see light spilling out from the bathroom door on the darkened second floor. She heard the telltale hollow cough of having drank too much, and waited on the other side of the door for it to die down.

The door wasn't closed all the way, so Erin's soft knock caused it to fall open. "Holtzy?" She peeked into the single bathroom to find Holtzmann hunched over the toilet, shaking.

"Oh, sweetie." Erin hurried over and gently pulled Holtzmann back from the toilet so she could flush it. "Inhaling it only makes it worse. Breathe a little fresh air."

"I don't think there's anything left." Holtz mumbled hoarsely.

Erin grabbed a handful of paper towels and knelt on the floor next to Holtzmann, wiping her mouth. "There, it's okay, it's okay." She gripped Holtzmann's opposite shoulder to hold her steady, and Holtz leaned back against the cool wall opposite the toilet, trapping Erin's arm around her. Erin leaned back with her.

Holtzmann moaned.

"I know. I know." Erin pinched a loose strand of hair off Holtz's sweaty forehead and pulled it back into place. She gave Holtz the silence for a few minutes while she listened to her breathing even out. When she looked back, Holtz's face was twisted in pain, barely holding back tears. Erin's breath caught in her throat. "Are you okay?"

Holtzmann took in a shuddering breath, wiping her nose with her sleeve. She kept trying to say something, but she was afraid all that would come out were sobs. She didn't really want Erin to see her crying. Finally, through hitched breaths, she managed, "It was suicide. She stepped in front of a train. I don't know why."

The last sentence carried so much.

Her voice broke and then she was crying not only in front of the woman she admired, but also _on_ her. Her tears left wet spots on Erin's shirt, and her cheek pressed against the warmth of Erin's skin at her shoulder.

Erin was rendered speechless. And a little bit angry at Holtzmann's mom for giving up on the world and leaving her daughter in pain like this. Erin's instinct took over and she pressed her palm against the side of Holtzmann's head, holding her closer to her chest, and rubbing her back softly. She had no idea what to say to the young engineer.

Fortunately, Holtz spoke first, "I need to puke again."

Erin quickly let her go, but kept one hand on her back and Holtz started to cough heavily again and lean towards the toilet.

"Please don't watch." Holtzmann groaned hoarsely.

Erin stepped outside and crossed the room in the dark to the large windows. She listened carefully, and after another minute or so, Holtz's heaving gave way to sobs again.

As Erin moved back towards the bathroom, something cut through her muffled sobs; the word "why".

It sounded cliché, but in the given context it was incredibly applicable. And it absolutely broke Erin's heart.

Suddenly, the sound of one more dry heave and a loud slam reached Erin's ears.

She rushed back through the doorway to see Holtz with her back pressed into the corner, and her face ducked beneath one arm, and a dent in the wall that her head had made. Holtz looked up quickly, not expecting to see Erin there.

"Ahhh!"

"Holtzy, hey, it's just me! It's okay! I didn't mean to scare you, I'm so sorry—"

"I thought you went back upstairs."

"…No, I—"

"You were listening to me?"

"I… I'm sorry, I thought you knew I wasn't going to leave you."

Holtzmann looked like she couldn't really care anymore, and she closed her eyes again.

"What was that noise? Did you do this?" Erin inspected the fresh head-sized dent in the drywall.

"M'sorry."

"Holtzmann I don't care about the wall. Let me see your head."

Holtz put her head down and Erin parted her hair in the back, where a little bit of blood stood out among blond.

"Jesus, Holtz. You're bleeding. What did you do?"

She didn't answer, but her entire small body was shaking rhythmically from emptying out everything in her system and then some.

"Come on upstairs, Holtzy. I'll get you a bandage and a blanket and then you need some rest, alright?"

Holtzmann didn't answer, but she kept shaking.

Erin was beginning to calculate if she could carry Holtz up the stairs when she heard footsteps approaching the bathroom.

Abby and Patty peeked their heads in.

"Hey. She threw up everything and then she hit her head on the wall. I think she's done now, but I don't know if she can make it up the stairs herself." Erin reported.

"I got you, baby." Patty said dutifully, walking right over and lifting Holtzmann's small body effortlessly.

Holtzmann wrapped her arms around Patty and buried her face into her neck.

~/~


End file.
